Does it Work for the Kids?

One of the most challenging aspects of any separation or divorce is figuring out what’s fair for the kids involved.

Kids are often the ones most deeply affected by these moments. Their scars run deep and are long lasting. They can carry the weight of grief and expectation with them silently, desperate to remain hidden from view. Then it blows up and everyone’s playing catch up. Its hard to catch up when you’re deep in the fight.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

Each family is unique, and what works for one most likely will not work for another.

Added to the mix is that everybody has their own idea of what fair looks like and means to them. And it isn’t always equal and not always right.

In my experience as a Family Mediator, there are 2 key principles that can help guide parents as they work to find a solution that is truly "fair and equitable" for all parties involved.

#1 Prioritize the children’s needs Their best interests is always your North Star. I may hear as a mediator what you want but I want to know what these kids need. From life, from both of you. What are their passions? What do they love? What’s going to help them hold on safely to just being a kid? Making that extra effort to maintain structure, routine and connection has a profound benefit. Ensuring they have access to the resources and support they need to thrive and not just survive, whether that means counseling, tutoring, or extracurricular activities.

For instance, if a child requires tutoring or therapy, both parents should work at a strategy and plan together, building it into the routine, just to make sure those needs are met. Additionally, extracurricular activities such as sports, drama or music lessons are often vital to a child’s sense of normalcy. Too easily these touchstones are sacrificed or become triggers for blame and further conflict.

#2 Each child is unique It's also important to recognize that what's fair for one child may not be fair for another. Each child has their own unique personality, interests and needs, and it's crucial that informs decisions about arrangements, communication and support.

An introverted child may prefer a quieter environment so arrangements are made to accommodate that at changeover. Similarly, if one child has a special interest or passion, both parents collaborate to provide the necessary resources required to keep that going.

Ultimately, what’s fair in a separation or divorce will always come down to a matter of balance.

Your kids don’t need you to be on the same page about everything.

Only those things that matter most.

It's not an easy task, but with compassion, patience, and honest communication, it is possible to find a solution that works for everyone!